When you are a blogger you have a tuff decision of how much to share with your readers about your personal life. I have a lot I want to say. Some of it is more for me and some of it is things I do really want to share with my readers. When I have wrote more "personal" posts this year I have mentioned how much I have changed. I really wanted to explain some of that and just do a recap post for the entire year. I have wrote a NOVEL, so I decided to break it into
2 posts/ 3 parts that way it's easier for everyone to read.
2011 - This year was the best year I have had in a long time. The last prior 5 years Cody and I had lots of drama and heartache. Like every year you have your ups and downs. The beginning of the year marked Cody leaving for
Basic Training for the Air Force. I was glad when we got the news he would be leaving at the beginning of the year. It meant one last Christmas and New Years together with our families. I remember the day Cody left as if it was yesterday. My memories of the day are so strong I can relive it in my head over and over.
It was hard because Cody and I had never been apart for longer then a week. I really wasn't sure what to expect or how strong I would be. I have gotten to a point in my life where I have learned to control my emotions more. I am able to hold in my tears and seem like I am "okay". When I was a teenager and probably up to a few years ago I cried all the time. I have always been an emotional person and wore my heart on my sleeve. The day Cody left was a very long day. Cody's parents and I waited with him at the MEMPS processing center all day. (Which felt like forever!) We watched
Cody swear in and sign his last paperwork. Then we sat around even more.
We were one of the only families there. Most of the "kids" swearing in that day had no one to support them. I found that very sad. When we finally made it to the airport I held my tears in. When the time came (finally) we made our goodbye really fast and I gave him the quickest lamest hug ever! He had asked me not to cry, so that was what I did,....for him. We said goodbye around 1pm in the afternoon. It didn't hit me that he was gone till around 5:30pm that evening. I was actually cooking myself dinner and I lost it. The apartment was so quiet without him there with me. The loneliness and reality hit me like a ton of bricks. Ironically he called right then to inform me that he had landed at the Dallas Airport. He was calm and collected of course, still excited. Yes, he was excited to go to basic training!!
I was only able to talk to him for a second and I apologized to him for crying. Of course he wasn't mad or anything, I just didn't want him to have to hear me cry. Over the next few hours I pulled myself together. He called again when he reached San Antonio. This call was very quick. He was not aloud to talk. He was being forced to call me so that I knew he was alive. I hated these stupid calls. I was trying to pull myself together and gather up strength! Hearing his voice did not help me forget that he was gone. I know I didn't sleep much that night. I knew there was a possibility that I would get another call. Whenever someone goes to basic training they are made to call their family or spouse and read off a message that is pre-written for them. I got the call from Cody at 3:30am. My phone rang and I just started crying.
I had already told Cody I was not going to answer "this" call. The reason I didn't answer the call is because they are now at the point where they are expected to be a machine. They are calling to inform you they are alive and that you can mail them letters at the address they give you. Basically Cody sounded like a robot. Cody already speaks fast and I knew there was no way in hell I would be able to write down the LONNNNGGG address when he read it off to me. (Especially at 3am!) It took about 20 times of listening to the voicemail he left on my phone and about 6 days for me to translate it. In the voicemail Cody repeated himself and made few mistakes when he was telling me the address. With the help of a few fellow Airman that I already knew, I got it and starting writing novels to Cody daily.
Still reading? This post is no where near to being over, sorry.
Okay, things got way better. Of course the first night and day were ruff. Honestly though what kept me going was working really hard. If you don't know, I worked at IKEA in the Home Decorations department. I actually started to cross train into the Children's department also. Which meant plenty of hours at work and plenty to keep my mind busy. I worked with some amazing people their, many who I miss very much now. If I hadn't laughed everyday or kept myself busy I think I would have went insane. Staying busy and remembering to laugh is key! Everyday I went to work I also had this cloud of happiness around me. I was so PROUD of my husband and what he was doing! He joined the Air Force not only for himself, but almost MORE for me. Our life was at such a dead end and we hated what it had become. We needed change.
When I met Cody, all the way back in 2003, he had mentioned he was considering joining the Air Force. We had been dating maybe a month. My reaction of course was,"OH! That's not something I want to go through!" He never brought it up again. It may sound like I stopped him, but it wasn't like that at all. He just simply never said anything else about it. EVER. Then he lost his job in 2009, and like I said we hated where our life was headed. Nowhere. Once he got the guts to tell me one night that he wanted to join the Air Force I listened to him with an open mind. Honestly it freaked me out at first, but not enough for me to be against it. It was just scary to think of how much it was going to change my life in every single way. You have to decide if you support your husband or do you fight it? Well I embraced it. Part of me has always wanted to experience living somewhere else. I never saw myself living in Ohio the rest of my life. Fear turned into excitement.
All these emotions and all this new found excitement kept me going while he was in Texas. It's always so cheesy to say,"You don't realize what you have till it's gone", but it's so TRUE! My heart was just full of so much love for Cody everyday.
I couldn't even imagine what he was going through. I wanted to know everything! I wished I could be by his side for every moment and emotion he was feeling. I couldn't though. I had to just guess and hope he had time to even think of me. Miss me. I wrote him everyday. Probably the most mushy things I will ever say in my life. The letters really helped me get through the basic training time period. It was the only thing that made me feel like I was connected to him. Sleeping alone was hard. I would wake up in the middle of the night sometimes and forget he wasn't in the bed. That would be a heartbreaking feeling. Besides working and letters, there were my pets also.
Pets are so amazing! The love they have for you. It was pointless for me to call a friend or talk to anyone about my feelings. Unless you go through it yourself, you can't explain the emptiness and the void you feel without your husband. Basically the best way for me to describe how I felt is LOST. My pets slept with me every night and would come up to me if I was crying. They really know when you are upset. It helped me a lot to have that support and love from them. You don't have to talk to them and try to explain how you feel. They just love you no matter what. Last but not least, I watched a lot of funny television. I laughed. My all time favorite show is Roseanne. I grew up watching it. Having Netflix allowed me to watch every episode back to back. If I ever started to feel down, I used the show as a distraction. What ever works right?
Most of all though, I would get weekly calls from Cody that would lift my spirits like nothing else could. I only had one phone call that upset me because the call was so rushed. I hung up with him and just became very frustrated that I couldn't have my husband. I do believe it was the week before his graduation. By then, enough is enough and you are just plan fed up! Of course I survived the 8 weeks without my husband. Duh. It feels like the end of the world, but it's not. It taught me to be more independent. The time and distance only made our relationship stronger. Honestly we needed it. After being together for 7 years already, it did us good to be apart and really realize how much we appreciated each other. I want to give a million KUDOS to anyone who ever has to deal with a deployment with their husband. I know that is way harder then 8 weeks of basic training. It makes basic look silly! I will say that basic training taught me that I am a stronger person then I ever thought I could be. A fellow Military wife once said to me,"You can either cry and fall apart or choose to be strong and carry on." It's so true. I love Cody more then anything in this world, and I chose to be strong for him. I have a bond with him that I could never have with anyone else.
The 8 weeks ended and
The Graduation came. You think it's going to be great and exciting, then you get there and it's not. For me it was the most stressful thing I had experienced yet! I thought the day Cody left was hard,.....Nope. Try again. First of all I didn't have my Military ID yet. (long story) They had messed up my information so many times, that it delayed it from happening before the graduation came. I didn't have a guest pass to even get on the base. All Cody's family did and my friend Dan who I had drove to Texas with had passes, just not me. I cried and cried when I got to the place you go to get your pass and they told me I might not being able to get one. (another long story) As if I am not stressed enough already! One thing I learned about the Air Force so far, is that one person tells you one thing and then 5 minutes later your told something else. I lost lots of sleep that night after I was told I may not get in to see Cody graduate. Then I go back the next day and they gave me a pass like it was not a big deal! It was a complete emotional roller coaster for me! What was happening was they were in the middle of changing a policy on how and who gets guest passes to get onto the base.
For those who don't know, the Air Force Graduation has two parts. A Coin Ceremony the first day and then a parade the second day. The first day I was super excited and happy! I got to see Cody for the first time and it was an amazing feeling! Nothing is better then that first hug!
It's awkward having all the family there, when all you want is to be with your husband alone. The weekend went pretty smoothly. The day of the parade I broke down crying. I still hadn't been allowed to be alone with my husband. I could careless about a dumb parade. I felt so many emotions it was hard to explain. Cody had also announced to me the day before that he would be going to school all the way out in California. (2,400 miles from Cincinnati Ohio) I didn't take this well. I couldn't even bare the thought of being apart from him another moment, let alone 2,400 miles! Everything hit me at once and I broke down crying in front of everyone before the parade even started. I kept yelling,"I just want my husband."
The parade happened, then lunch with family and finally I got to be off base ALONE with my husband. It was surreal. He looked so different, way to skinny. He acted very strange. He didn't even know how to act in a car or with me. He was paranoid we were being watched. (You aren't even aloud to hold hands on base.) It was a very emotional 4 days for Cody and I. Sunday, the last day being the worst of course. Cody and I got to spend 3 days off base together. We did nothing. No sight seeing around San Antonio, nothing. We stayed in our hotel room and were just happy to be able to TALK. Sunday I was so nervous. Sick to my stomach all day. If I could erase this day from my memory I would. I cried and cried. Nothing Cody did or said could stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I know, a baby right?
Well of course the time came when he had to go back to base. My friend Dan waited in the car, while I walked with Cody over to the saying goodbye area near the dorms. There were families crying everywhere. The thing that got me the most was a little girl sobbing, because she didn't understand why she had to say goodbye to her big brother. It's a memory I will never forget. I can't even remember what Cody and I said to each other. I know he told me he would see me soon, because everyone always says never to say goodbye. We made it quick. A fast kiss and a somewhat long hug. Then he turned his back to me, and he was gone again.
I turned my back quickly also and didn't turn back. I lost it though. Boy did I. I sobbed, not cried. I covered my face in embarrassment, because I knew I must of looked horrible. I calmed down by the time I got to the car. Thanks to Dan for being an awesome support to me at probably one of the hardest moments in my life. I felt so frustrated that I had to go through this separation AGAIN! Your thinking to yourself,"I just got him back!" Your angry, depressed and you feel like you have had your heart torn out of your chest. We drove back to the hotel and I think we must of sat in the car for at least a half hour. I cried, Dan listened to me talk about how I felt. It was like, now what? I ended up pulling myself together. I actually decided to hang out with Dan and play cards the rest of the night. I easily could of just went to my room and cried some more. What good would that do? After a few hours, I started to remember that I was strong and that I could do this, AGAIN.
Thanks for reading. I will post Part 2 and Part 3 after Christmas Day!
LINKS
Cody Swears In and Ships Out {HERE}
Weekly posts when Cody was in Basic Training {HERE}
The Graduation {HERE}
All Military related posts can be found {HERE}
